falsedetective:

1. the time he set himself on fire trying to light a candle:
   “I did go to bed at 10, promising myself a rich sleep. Lay two hours vigil; that cursed one single dish of tea! Note: My bed had undergone a thorough ablution and there were no bugs or insects. Got up and attempted to light candle, but in vain; had flint and matches but only some shreds of punk which would not catch. Recollected a gun which I had on my late journey; filled the pan with powder and was just going to flash it when it occurred that though I had not loaded it someone else might; tried and found in it a very heavy charge! What a fine alarm it would have made if I had fired! Then poured out some powder on a piece of paper, put the shreds of punk with it and after fifty essays succeeded in firing the powder ; but it being dark, had put more powder than intended; my shirt caught fire, the papers on my table caught fire, burnt my fingers to a blister (the left hand, fortunately); it seemed like a general conflagration. Succeeded, however, in lighting my candle and passed the night till 5 this morning in smoking, reading, and writing this.“
2. the time, long after the duel, when he walked past a bust of hamilton and stroked his cheek and said “there was the poetry”
   
3. the time he attacked someone with a knife hidden inside his umbrella because he told him to put out his candle:
   “As I was writing the concluding line of the preceding page last evening (about 1 o'clock) an ill-looking fellow opened my door without knocking, and muttering in German something which I did not comprehend, bid me put out my candle. Being in no very placid humor at the moment, as you see, I cursed him and sent him to hell in French and English. He advanced and was going to seize the candle. My umbrella, which had a dirk in the handle, being near me, I seized it, drew the dirk, and drove him out of the room.“
   
4. the time he, allegedly, defended his client in court by thrusting a candle at another potential suspect and screaming “BEHOLD, THE MURDERER”
   
5. the time he hit his head on the same pipe twice in a row:
   “i mounted to the housetop to see the state of the combustibles. on the way beat out my brains against the stove-pipe. after viewing the subject, descended to put on an appropriate dress. on descending, a second brain-beating”
   
6. “london, february 1, 1812. have spent 14 shillings and 6 pence magnificently, i.e., like an ass”
7. the whole saga of the zit on his nose that ruined his social life, especially: “from Reeve’s walked on to visit the Donna; but, recollecting my nose, walked home”
8. this isn’t a specific thing he said/wrote but the entire manhattan company debacle is so funny to me
9. his lost umbrella: among other things he wrote about it in his journal, “my umbrella hung heavy at my heart”; “and you know my umbrella is on a voyage”
10. the time he tried to sleep on a ship but kept rolling off the bench and getting hurt:
    “Shall go early to bed, for am bruised to a jelly. At 12 last night got so much of one of the benches [on the ship] as enabled me to lay down, but not to stretch out, on the starboard side. Every time we tacked to go on the starboard tack, I rolled off onto the floor. This operation was repeated about once every ½ hour.“